Wednesday, December 28, 2011

letting go of 2011

As 2011 is coming to a close, I feel the need to make a list of all the blessings of the year and all its troubles.

It was a tough year on many levels, the hardest being that I miscarried my baby and that I had to spent the fall going through many many many doctors' offices. It was a frustrating time. My emotions were out of control. It had not been easy for me to make the decision that I wanted to be a mom in the first place. It took a lot of time of praying and changing my mind. I was afraid of making all possible mistakes with bringing up my child. What if I would become a bad mother? What if I would become a bad wife? What if I went back into depression (it had been my "companion" for too many years during my 20s)? Many many bad thoughts going through my head. And then I said YES to the possibility of having a baby. And then I was actually pregnant. And then absolutely terrified. And then I miscarried. And this death in my womb was a mixture of relief and deep deep pain. And guilt.

2011 was also a year of love. It was our (Yiannis and mine) first full year as a married couple. We let go of many habits (and people) of our past lives. We found a strong center in our love for each other. This was the blessing of 2011. And in this love lie all my hopes for 2012.

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